The High-Achiever's Trap: Why We Fall for Narcissists at Work (And How to Stop)
There’s a magnetic, intoxicating energy that some people radiate. They walk into a room and command it, painting grand visions of the future with unshakable confidence. As founders, leaders, and creators, we’re naturally drawn to that light. We see their "potential," and the builder in us thinks, “I can work with that. We can create something incredible together.”
This is the high-achiever’s trap.
That initial charisma is often a mask, a brilliant facade for a toxic, extractive pattern that can drain your energy, poison your team, and derail your mission. I’ve seen it happen, and I’ve learned to spot the red flags the hard way.
It's a subject I explored in depth with the world-renowned expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula on my "Let’s Talk Impact" podcast, click here to check it out. Her insights confirmed a hard-won truth: spotting a narcissist isn't just about avoiding a difficult personality; it's a strategic necessity for anyone serious about building a life and business with purpose.
Why We Fall for It: The Empathy & Vision Trap
Before we get to the red flags, we have to understand why we are so susceptible. Narcissists don’t prey on the weak; they prey on the strong, the empathetic, and the visionary.
The Empathy Trap: As natural mentors and connectors, we see a "flawed genius" and believe our support or friendship can be the catalyst that helps them heal and grow. As Dr. Ramani explains in her work, this is a dangerous fantasy. We can't fix them, and trying to will only break us.
The Vision Trap: Narcissists are incredible salespeople, and their primary product is themselves. They sell a dream of success and brilliance that can be intoxicating. We get so swept up in the promise of their vision that we ignore the reality of their character.
The Field Guide: Three Telltale Signs of a Narcissist in Disguise
Forget the stereotypes. The narcissist in your office or on your board isn't always the preening villain. They're often the charming star. Drawing inspiration from Dr. Ramani’s work, like her essential book “It’s Not You,” here are the patterns to watch for.
1. The Grandiose Façade: Confidence vs. Contempt
There's a huge difference between genuine confidence and narcissistic grandiosity. Confident leaders are secure enough to be curious and celebrate others' expertise. A narcissist, however, operates from a place of deep insecurity, which they mask with an unshakable belief that they know everything. They’ll correct the expert, dismiss data that contradicts their opinion, and subtly imply that everyone else is just less intelligent. It's not confidence; it's contempt.
2. The Rules Don’t Apply: Charm as a Weapon
Narcissists believe they are special and therefore exempt from the rules and social contracts that govern the rest of us. They are masters of making a dazzling first impression, using their charm to secure exceptions, bend policies, and avoid accountability. But as Dr. Ramani noted in our conversation, this charm isn't a personality trait—it's a tool. Once they have what they want, the mask drops, revealing a shocking lack of regard for the chaos or harm they leave behind.
3. The Empathy Void: The Most Telling Sign of All
This is the ultimate tell. A true lack of empathy is the defining characteristic of a narcissist. In a business context, this manifests as:
Taking credit for their team's wins and blaming them for any failures.
An inability to genuinely mentor or celebrate a subordinate’s success.
Putting their own feelings, needs, and ego ahead of the team's well-being or the company's mission.
They can fake empathy when it serves them, but as Dr. Ramani powerfully states, they lack the genuine desire to put anyone else’s needs above their own.
The Antidote: A Founder's Playbook for a Narc-Proof Life
You can't change a narcissist, but you can change how you deal with them.
Trust Patterns, Not Potential: This is a key takeaway from Dr. Ramani. Stop listening to their dazzling promises and start watching their actions over time. Do they keep their word? How do they treat people from whom they have nothing to gain? The pattern never lies.
Set Radical Boundaries: Boundaries are not about controlling them; they're about protecting your energy, your team, and your mission. This means saying "no" without explanation, limiting your contact, and refusing to engage in their drama.
Build a Culture of Accountability: A healthy, accountable, and empathetic culture is the ultimate defense against narcissism. When your team values mutual respect, transparency, and collective success—the core principles we champion at We-Rule—a narcissist simply can't thrive. They will either be forced to adapt or, more likely, leave.
Ultimately, curating your life—your "main character era"—is as much about who you exclude as who you include. Choosing to build with people who are genuinely collaborative, supportive, and empathetic isn't just a nice idea. It's the most strategic business decision you can ever make.
About the Author
Recognized by the United Nations as a "Champion of Change," Justyna Kedra is a tech founder and CEO on a mission to redefine mentorship. Through her groundbreaking platform WERULE, the Parsons alum advises organizations like the Tory Burch Foundation and speaks at global forums, from the UN General Assembly to Soho House, on empowering women and building a more equitable business world.Click here to learn more.